Saturday, September 14, 2013

Perspective and Perceptions: The Debbie Downer Edition

Okay, so it's been a full month since my last update.  I really hate when I go that long between posts because I have way too much to say, and trying to put it all in one entry is a pain - not just for me, but for those who have to read a novella-length post.

So for this I'm just going to write about what's immediately on my mind and save the other stuff for future posts...

This past week was my five-month surgiversary.  Five months!  It's hard to believe it's been that long, but it has.  So far I'm down 82 pounds, but about two weeks ago I hit a plateau.  It's totally my own fault; I've been eating way too much salt, way too much fat, too much sugar, and my workouts have been lame.  I've been cutting corners all over the place.  Why?  Well...I don't know.  Because I was on vacation for the last two weeks of August?  Because I'm lazy?  Because I'm tired?  Because I'm stressed? Because something in my head doesn't believe I deserve to not be fat?  Because I look at my melting body and my sagging boobs and think, "I'll never be perfect, so why bother anymore?"  Because I think I am doing great and then I see a bunch of pictures of me in which I look enormous? Maybe it's a combination of all of these,  I don't know, but I need to snap the fuck out of it.  I'm turning to food again as a comfort agent, and not as a source of nourishment.  The fact that my skin is so dry it's flaking and my hair is like straw and falling out in massive wads should be a wake-up call that my protein and hydration are deficient, but still I find myself popping handfuls of M&Ms instead of a chocolate protein bar.

I'm not gaining any weight, but I'm not losing any, either.   I need to step up my game, get back to the gym three or four times a week, get back on that yoga mat once a week, stop with the shitty eating, and power through this.  I have to remember that the cosmetic issues will be resolved, but not until I've maintained my goal weight for six months.  And the sooner I hit my goal the sooner the clock starts ticking on those six months.  But blah blah blah...just because I know what to do doesn't automatically make it happen.

Ironically in the last few weeks I've gotten a number of compliments from people who are starting to notice the weight loss.  Mostly my customers, but last week at our first rehearsal of the new season a few of my fellow choristers came up to me and told me I look fantastic.   A few people have said they hardly recognized me.  And sometimes when I look in the mirror I hardly recognize myself either.  Eighty two pounds is a pretty big chunk of oneself to disappear.  Some people ask, "what's different about you?" or "Have you lost weight?" A few are very surprised when I tell them how much weight I've lost, as if they didn't believe I had that much to lose in the first place.

And yet...tonight I saw a bunch of photos of me from a recent event and I look FAT.  Look. I am 5'5" and weigh 177 pounds.  That's still big.  It's still obese.  And it's stuff like THIS that throws me into that untenable position where I want to overeat.  Just stuff myself silly with chocolate and potato chips and ice cream and declare myself a hopeless case.  Of course my body gives me a hearty "fuck you" when I try to do that, but what if the day comes when it doesn't?  What if it finally concedes and lets me continue like that?  I can't let that happen.  I just can't.

The people who know me tell me I look great.  I look in the mirror and see muscle definition where there wasn't before.  I traveled recently and noticed that my backpack straps hurt my shoulders because the bones are now not as protected by fat as they were before.  Most of my clothes are too big on me now. I have more energy.  I sleep better.  I'm generally happier.  I notice these changes, but some things haven't changed.  I still feel large.  I still have puffy wrists and back fat and dimply thighs and a double chin.  I still can't get the time of day from any guy.  I'm still my own worst critic.  I'm still broke. I'm still 35 pounds heavier than I should be.  And even though I've come so far in the last five months, some days it's just hard to keep it all in perspective.

Sorry. Like I said before, I can't fart sparkly rainbows all the time - least of all when I've been eating garbage.  But that's what this blog is for - to put it out there, to write it out and try to make sense of it.  If I just buried my head in a bag of chips and ignored the issues without coming up for air now and then, I'd suffocate.

So there it is.  Happier posts to come, I promise.