Saturday, March 30, 2013

Inspired by Eggface: Things that Suck When You're Fat

A couple of my readers hipped me today to a blog called The World According to Eggface.  Eggface is written by a woman named Shelly, who had weight-loss surgery a number of years ago.  I spent the better part of an hour this afternoon reading the blog, and every time I get a spare minute or two, I go back and read more.  Her posts go back seven years, so there's a lot there!  She's got all kinds of helpful hints, tips, and recipes, and I have a feeling I'll be consulting the Face of Egg on a regular basis.

One of her posts in particular struck me; it was a post listing the worst things about being fat.  I know I've written about the things I won't miss about being fat, but Shelly's list is even better.  And I can attest to everything on that list.  And then some.

So inspired by Shelly's list, I've compiled a list of the things I find generally suck when you're fat. 

• Putting on socks.  Normal people just bend over and put their socks on, right?  I mean, I have spent some time (albeit limited) in my life as a non-fat person (or at least not as fat as I am now), and I remember how it was kind of no big deal.  You just sit on the edge of your bed, bend over, and put 'em on.  Or lift your foot up onto a chair or the bed and put them on that way.

But not for me. Bending over forward just doesn't happen.  I've never been pregnant, but I imagine women who have been can relate to this dilemma.  There's this "side approach" that goes on,  where you sit on the bed and kind of splay your leg out to the side and then  bend sideways to access your foot.  I'm sure to the outside viewer it's nothing short of wildly amusing, but to me?  Pure hell.  I'm a sock fiend, too; I love socks and I have like 100 pairs of them.  But some days it's just not worth the effort.

In this same vein...

Shoes that tie, buckle, or require any attention beyond just slipping them on.  My everyday go-to shoes are a pair of Doc Marten mary janes that I'm able to slide my feet into, but if I ever had to adjust the buckle, forget it.  I'd have to ditch them for loafers.  I have a cute pair of brown oxfords that I love, but they're perpetually untied because bending over to tie my shoes is like...well, see the above paragraph regarding socks.

• Tights/pantyhose.  Forget it.  It's an all-out fucking WAR to get the goddamn things on, and by the time I'm done writhing around, jumping up and down, swearing, and tugging to get the fucking things on, I'm in tears, I'm sweating profusely, and am usually sporting at least one run.  Again, just like socks, I love tights and have several pairs in all different colors and patterns,  but I can't be bothered.

• Pants. Wearing pants without some stretch property can't be done. I refuse to be a slob who wears sweatpants or pajama bottoms out of the house. I've relaxed the standard on occasions when my mission is strictly drive-thru-able, but even then I wear yoga pants, which seem somehow more respectable than the pink flannel Snoopy pants.  I do have a long, elastic-waisted skirt that I wear when I can't deal with pants, but it's still cold out right now, so it's not as easy as it is in the summer to just throw that on with a pair of flats and go. I have two pairs of jeans that I can wear at the moment.  They're both stretchy but ill-fitting; they both need a belt (which is another thing that sucks when you're fat) because I'm shaped strangely, and the waist rolls over and they slide down my hips, which are essentially the same circumference as my waist.  One of said pairs of jeans is actually a pair of jeggings.  Fuck my life.

• Heels.  I love shoes.  I love shoes with heels.  But I can't wear them anymore because my feet swell and the weight of me on my feet is unbearable after just a few minutes. I have 2-inch wedges that I wear when I sing, but our last concert we stood the entire time and by the end of the night my feet were on fire.  I couldn't walk right for days.  Two inches.  Wedges.  This should NOT be an issue.  But it is, and I can't even fathom wearing some of my higher heels right now.

• Sleeping.  Oh, God, what I wouldn't give for a full night's sleep.  As a matter of fact, I'm typing this at 1:00 in the morning, five hours before I have to be at work, two hours after I initially went to bed.  It took me about 45 minutes to fall asleep, and a half hour later I was up again, coughing from reflux and sweating like a pig.  I'll take something for the reflux, I'll go back to sleep, and an hour or so later I'll wake myself up attempting to roll my 260-pound body over.  Later on I'll wake up gasping for air because my airways are obstructed (I know I have apnea, but it was never formally diagnosed so I don't have a CPAP machine).  When that happens I almost always have an accompanying dream wherein I'm being smothered by someone or something, which adds to the unpleasantness of the experience.  My mouth will be completely dried out, so I'll wander out to the kitchen for a drink before I go back to bed.  Then an hour later I'll get up because I have to pee.  Then I'll wake up because I'm smothering again.  Then a little while later my cat will decide to use my chest as a landing pad.  And then just as I'm falling asleep, my alarm will sound. Fun times.

Just like Shelly's list, I will have more to add to this, but you get the idea.  I'm so ready to be done with all this shit.

Good GOD I am tired...

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