Friday, February 1, 2013

Vive le Resistance

It occurred to me yesterday that despite my enormous team of cheerleaders, weight loss surgery still carries as much of a stigma as being overweight does.  So...I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.  All I know is that I have been fighting the good fight for 30 years, and I'm not going to let anyone tell me they know better than me what I have to do.  This is my body.  My doctors all agree with my decision, and I have a wonderful eating behavior counselor to help me process all the changes I need to make.  My surgeon's office has a renowned aftercare program, complete with an on-site fitness facility and nutritional therapy.  For good measure, I'm going back to my old therapist, too, so that I have another source of support as I sort all of this out.  There are as many psychological and emotional implications in this process as there are physical changes, if not more.

I can't expect everyone to share my excitement in this journey.   It's a disappointing realization that although I have immense support behind me from people who love me, there will be those who disagree with my decision or are convinced that all I really need to do is show a little more willpower.  It was my poor lifestyle choices, after all, that led to my condition.  Why can't I just work a little harder at eating better and making healthier choices?  Do I really need to mess with my innards?

Well, yeah.  I kinda do.  Like I said a few posts back, this is what it's come to.  I'm not the first person to turn down this road when all else has failed.  Nevertheless, there are people who will never understand why I made the decision to do this.  As heartbreaking as it is to be misunderstood, I have to remain positive for ME.

I'm excited.  I'm excited about the changes that are about to happen.  I'm excited about finally gaining a level of control that I'd not had before.  I'm excited about being healthier.  I'm excited about maybe finally being able to wear cute boots around my calves in the future.  I'm excited about breathing better, about sleeping better, about getting back to my yoga practice that I shelved last year after I fractured my foot and then got too fat to go back to after the cast came off.  I'm excited about a lot of things.

I'm also nervous.  My excitement perhaps masks that, and maybe it's too far away for me to let my nerves get the best of me yet, but believe me - my excitement over this surgery is not the same excitement I feel when I'm, say, about to travel overseas on a month-long adventure, or the excitement I feel when I'm falling in love with someone.  It's a different kind of excitement, and there is a level of nervousness in that mix.  It's not really fear.  I'm not afraid of what's to come.  I'm actually a pretty fearless person most of the time.  But I am nervous.

Those who do not agree with my decision are free to feel as they do, and there's little I'll be able to do to convince them otherwise.   But this is not their journey, it is mine, and I'm taking it with a busload of supporters.  I can't concern myself with the stragglers, no matter how much it might bother me.


  1. i've never had a negative comment to my face about having lap-band surgery, but i've never put it into this kind of public forum. the people that have any ounce of intelligence will be supportive, and those that are negative in any way, fuck them. they're either envious or ignorant

  2. Youre not going to need all that therapy when you are rocking a "normal" looking body. I'm not fat shaming, believe me. But this fight is bigger than us. It's crazy making. It's a roller coaster I can't get off. I was on WW the last two weeks and after the last two days I'm going on Atkins today. Fifth time since January 1. The only people you should listen to are your friends in the trenches. We can't win this fight. We can't accept the unacceptable. But we can't overcome the addictions either. I've given up drugs, drink, smokes- this is worse than all of those combined. I can't imagine a time you'll need therapy LESS than after you take this step and finally get some FREEEEEEEDOM from waking up in despair and going to sleep with heartburn and aching knees (projecting here!). People might make comments when you're about to set sail on a six month around the world voyage. They might passively aggressively nay say when you've decided to buy a swanky new car. Believe me, they would have shit to say if you won the damn lottery on a $2 ticket. Put them on ignore. You don't need to promise the world that you'll hang your head and go to bloody therapy every day so you won't lose your mind after the surgery. You'll be happier than you've been since you were a little kid and had no worries in the world. You'll be passing mirrors and winking like Marlo Thomas. It's going to be great!